


Coffee and Dessert

by balmandbitterness



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-20
Updated: 2014-07-20
Packaged: 2018-02-09 15:58:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1988982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/balmandbitterness/pseuds/balmandbitterness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I swear I can explain this," says Kanaya, sounding as though she has something stuck in her throat. Like perhaps a boulder sized lump of pure mortification.</p><p>"Please don't," Dave begs. "Please." He wonders if maybe the coffee machine will zap his memory blank so he doesn't have to spend the rest of his life carrying around this moment in the back of his head.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Coffee and Dessert

**Author's Note:**

> i had this idea forever ago and laughed for like 48483738 hours and now i've decided to actually write it. please forgive me for my terrible sense of humor

The goddamn coffee machine is stuck AGAIN, and Dave is definitely not ok with it.

"For the love of fuck, would you please stop banging on that thing?" Karkat grumbles as he tranportalizes into the room. "I could hear you all the way from the computer room. As if that poor useless contraption isn't broken enough already without your abuse adding to the problem."

"No, look, bro, you don't get it. This is how shit works on our tiny human homeworld. We just beat things up and swear a lot until they work. It's like a cultural thing."

"That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. I refuse to believe that an entire species of moronic hamfisted douchegrubs could've survived long enough to produce a Sburb session."

"It's true," Dave insists. "Rose, back me up here. Tell Karkat how dumb we are."

"I've elected to ignore you both for my own sanity," Rose replies from the corner where she and Kanaya are lounging together. "Also, I just reached a particularly juicy part in this story." She holds up the romance novel she shamelessly purloined from Karkat.

Kanaya blushes. "It is rather enjoyable."

Karkat's face lights up. "Ooh, did you get to the part where Myrali confesses her burning hatred for--"

"No spoilers!"

"We are only on chapter twelve," says Kanaya.

Dave has been watching this exchange with mild horror. "Okay so like. Fuck that bizarre noise. I need a cup of this unholy substance that passes for coffee ASAP so I can abscond before this conversation turns erotic." He resumes his attack on the coffee machine.

"Cry me a river you fun sucking fuck."

Dave mashes a bunch of buttons at once and then, in an act of undercaffeinated desperation, uncaptchalogues a sord and swings it into the machine.

Sparks fly. There is a loud rumble, then a grating noise, and then the machine hums to life.

Dave thrusts the sord in the air triumphantly. "Aw yeah, now we're getting somewhere. See, I told you, asshole. Ha--"

Before he can finish his taunt, the coffee machine makes a noise like it's full of damned souls and the lights pop and flicker out, leaving the room almost pitch black.

"Oh, yeah, I see what you mean now," Karkat says. "This is totally the optimal outcome."

Dave doesn't respond. He is too busy staring at Rose and wishing for death.

Karkat turns to see what has drawn his eyes. "What are you... Oh."

Rose is sitting absolutely still and looking about as horrified as Dave feels. Her fingers, her mouth, and several other patches on her body are glowing an almost fluorescent jade in the darkness.

There is a moment of silence.

"I swear I can explain this," says Kanaya, sounding as though she has something stuck in her throat. Like perhaps a boulder sized lump of pure mortification.

"Please don't," Dave begs. "Please." He wonders if maybe the coffee machine will zap his memory blank so he doesn't have to spend the rest of his life carrying around this moment in the back of his head.

Karkat stiffly walks over and snatches his romance novel from Rose's hands. "I think this is having a bad influence on you two," he says, and leaves the room.

Rose clears her throat with an air of dignity that is frankly admirable given the situation. "I think we can all agree never to speak of this again."

Kanaya curls up and buries her face in her skirt.

Dave punches the coffee machine. "This is all your fucking fault," he tells it.

The next morning, Terezi makes coffee. "Who wants a cup?" she asks.

No one answers.

**Author's Note:**

> and here we have it: irrefutable proof that i have no idea how to end a story


End file.
